I believe nothing lasts like it should not and nothing stays as it should
Age 6- I held a dick inside my mouth is the day I must have never realised (Maye Ni Main Ik Shikra Yaar Banaya blows over the radio in the background of a dingy terrace storehouse in a quaint little Sector of a town so sleepy, I might never wake up)
Age 15- I will never say that I was abused, I thought. I had read women getting exploited by men and who triumph, who come out stronger and better. They get wronged, some suffer silently, eventually taking what is theirs, years later, in a high-speed chase (I had started listening to English music, Satchel belting out- Listen to an angel sing/ Listen to the joy it brings /Out underneath the clouds /I would just shout out loud /Why do I suffer so '/Why do I want to go) when in Law school, I questioned my being as a seeker of truth and justice if I could not even right the wrongs done on me
Age 22- Sometimes my watching is an extension of what I am reading. I started watching a lot of Tv shows and good documentaries. I used to only know what to read and what to watch ( [Chorus] Well I'm not the kind to live in the past, The years run too short and the days too fast, The things you lean on, are the things that don't last by Alastair Ian Stewart and also when I had first tasted Scotch)
Age 25- I knew what NOT to read and what NOT to watch (First heard Jim Capaldi and sang along- Working all day, Missing you every minute. Some people say There must be something in it. Out on the road, Everybody waiting for a sign. Can't wait to get home….Then I know it's gonna be so fine)
Age 28- I am me, finally. It took me 28 years to go hungry and not feel the hunger or get horny and not feel like needing a man, wanting. Also, I wrote a whole new letter and deleted the old letter which I was trying to write for a week now. Now, that for me is growing up. I am not saving unused words for the future and I am not living my life, paycheck to paycheck. I am certainly not any richer or satisfied with myself but I am certainly more aware. Being aware is what my 28th year is all about. (J Cole playing…..They say we won't last, I know you suspicious, but you don't ask And I don't tell, that's where we both fell)
I believe nothing lasts like it should not and nothing stays as it should.
“The magic fades too fast
the scent of summer never lasts
the nights turn hollow and vast
but nothing remains...nothing lasts.”
“Be a craftsman in speech that thou mayest be strong” — Maxims of Ptahhotep, circa 3400 B.C.
I hold this belief that I have a life that is not as glamorous as what social media portrays and that it takes a lot to sit and read a book. Sometimes, an ex appears in the contours of a character, sometimes an incident flashes in front of my eyes and there are days when I wake up to sob.
I have loved so fiercely in the past and gotten hurt so much, on my own accord, inflicting pain on myself with a series of self-destructive behavior. Always been on a hunt or search to make something happen, valiantly or violently. I have never liked idleness. The sacrifice an idle mind has to make is a lot. You tend to whisper in a rumble, you scratch refrigerators for magic comfort food, you don’t feed your dog the day you feel you can play dead and eventually curl up in a corner, crying because idleness is that bitch which brings tears almost at the drop of the hat.
Sacrificing requires a push comes to shove. A sacrifice is a reality when it’s well thought. You don’t donate a melting ice cream neither do you donate your eyes when asked for. You do your research. You weigh the sides. You draw the coin. You are essentially- not your parents. They textbook- sacrificed. You are just idle.
And it is indeed true that whatever you think is making you happy right now or sad, both, is limited in their existence. It will pass. Nobody will one day even remember what was lost, sacrificed but now at this moment, I fail to find comfort in words or writing them to comfort the idleness which is clothed in sacrifice.
If you reading this with tears or with a lopsided smile, remember to enjoy this feeling, however vast or ruthless, it won’t last. No matter how you contain it or think you can contain it, you have to fail. You will have to start again. And in between all this, nothing much shall matter. Into each life, some rain must fall. it would be lush green soon, I dream and I sleep, sometimes crying. Sometimes these rains might cause floods of devastations which are momentous. Then what one must do? One must sit back, think, exhale. Remember- a lot of rain causes floods all the time. Rain does not forgive then.
Less rain causes drought
This is my mantra for 2021. It always reminds me that too much happiness is like when I get out of the sheer joy of reading or encountering a chain of thought I absolutely was craving without knowing what it was to…. when I feel like giving up, jumping off the rails is going to wear off. This or THAT feeling is going to NOT sustain. The world will move. I will too. The wind is here.
Bride-of-Writing and Navigating DARK WEB
Almost everyone universally agrees that the best place to start with the Dark Web is Ahmia.fi and also all would agree who have traversed the Dark depths of the web that it is pretty disturbing as well as emotionally charging. My curiosity regarding the dark web is as deep as its girth of activities and topics. I remember gushing at each other, in a small flat in a sleepy town near Gandhinagar, circa 2015, sitting in the dead of the night, of an absolute smasher of a party, me and my friends, ogling at the Onion. Someone pointed out Do not click on any link, guys. Someone said, Finally Amphetamines! I was looking for videos like the one I had enjoyed over at another curious cat’s place a year back, thinking, I better browse these sites at other cool cats. Who smells fear? selfish agendamax?
What is an onion you ask?- A browser that lets you navigate pages unseen and hidden from the public’s gaze due to the content it provides. Few others:
10 Articles & Links To Not Miss Out On
I love curating this section and it also means that I spend a lot of time, every day, every single day, adding and deleting links to finally bring a compost of links that help you, educate you, and make you more aware. The purpose of Belladonnaoflavender’s Newsletter is exactly this.
The 1918 ‘flu: India’s worst pandemic- A read to take you back 100 years of the same tragedy as now
“The world is a book, and those who do not travel read only a page.” — Saint Augustine, c. 390
I told you I will feature Newsletters too ….featuring up-and-coming creators, writers, which I find interesting and up & coming.
Here are 5 Newsletters that you should definitely check out (I do this segment to shed light on other substack writers and creators, so if you are one, do comment or connect, will definitely talk about you too):
A newsletter to serve as a free-write essay draft; a glimpse into the half-baked musings in Saanya’s head; an endeavor to publish rather than perish.
Perfunktory is a newsletter that aims to break down-trending subjects in the field of Music, Technology, Gaming, and Culture as perfunctorily as possible.
One of the nerdiest Newsletter’s out there
A newsletter about books & publishing, freelancing and career thingamajigs, and pop culture (mainly k-pop)
A newsletter telling the stories of people weaving communities together
I was asked by 5 people exactly (in a beehive of 500 subscribers) who commented how they missed my newsletter in their inbox and nothing excited me as much as this impetus to actualize upon. I knew I had to show up on my new laptop, which I got after ridiculous amounts of savings. My last laptop was 11 years old. 11 years strong. This, I am sure won’t last that long. So, I might just as well write what I want to, now.
That’s it for this issue!❤
If you’re new here, I’d love to have you as a subscriber. Would love to have you with me till time permits.
I know many of you might not know me or are hereby fate, then give me some time to seal our fates?
If you are already a subscriber (It would mean a lot. This is one of the ways of supporting my free but not cheap newsletter) then KISSES & HUGS from someone who loves to give both
And if not, (am I influencing enough? Lol)
Also if you liked my content, do tell me what. This will help me curate better.