No, there's no way not to suffer

Sonny's blues & golden goose

Age 27- I had a small chat with a friend on Clubhouse from Instagram (I think I can call him a friend, after all I did send books, wishes, support and watch all his stories+ recs+ what nots in last few years, even though he doesnt do the same) and he called me a friend. But never followed, supported or read my work. I don't know what to do about that.

Age 24- A married man, 10 years older to me, told me he was ready to leave his marriage to marry me. I didn't know him. He said he was observing me since I was 15. I didn't know what to say.

Age 18- I think this was the last time I was ideal. Enough. I didn't do anything hereafter without my gut telling me to.

Age 12- I got my periods. Very early for everyone but not my mother and my best friend, who got it as early as me. I was not scared of my body after this.

Age 6- Molested, sexually assaulted but never knew I was because it didn't pain. I blocked it. I still don't know how much it scarred me.

Each of these are stories of my time on earth is laden, cheesy and quite untamed, at first, but always enriching because I choose for it to be like that. I enriched myself through vicariously living and aching so bad for freedom, experiences and to meet boys that I indeed spent my time and energy in a lot of people who never gave me the same attention, respect or love. And so I am amazed that how much time I have spent in reading books because I could, to escape. After being spent from networking, my next pit stop would be to absorb stories, poems and discourses. Discourses came last. First came hunger.

Then came realisations that in between all the good things in my life and believe me, there were many, I indeed had a captured suffering inside me, everytime I decided to step out. That suffering was omnipresent. I have tried to put a compass to it, encompass it with dirty love but it has rained heavily on me when I have been saved by strangers and only strangers. That does something to you. I have been grateful for strangers all my life. I have found strength and service in unknowns. Maybe they were known in some previous life, is what I tell myself, inconsolably.

Eight hours for work, eight hours for rest and eight hours for what you will."

--A slogan of the Eight-hour Day movement and what I adhere to

Eight hours for work, eight hours for rest and eight hours for what you will for me on most days are one and the same thing. I think you know.

I was watching Love, Death+Robots and in an episode called Pop Squad, one of the characters used this word - Rejoo: it's an elixir of life, a chemical rebirth anyone can buy. And I paused it. Came here to write it down. For you and me. That's me and my relationship with this newsletter. I am having boundary issues as to how and what all I should include here. Sometimes a word here, a word there, a thought here, a thought nowhere. I also watched Awake, which is about a world where whosoever sleeps, dies. Uh oh.

Today was a very productive day in terms of not missing talking to people and enjoying Clubhouse and it's perks. I must say after a week of clubbing on clubhouse, networking and what nots, with ample rooms and in and outs-that there's both, pros and cons of Clubhouse. And it's the being of social media gluttony. As a sentient being who tries, as someone who encapsulates herself with randomness, I am enjoying what I enjoy doing most- Talking about books, about shows, life on clubhouse as I do here(Only difference being that Clubbing on the App is an all audio-affair while here it is a writing embedded affair). Here, there are no interruptions, no 5 hours gone with the windy tracks of new age social media navigation. Clubhouse is like navigating till you can't anymore. Too much happening and it's a rabbit hole. So there's the good and there's the bad. People can lose time and inhibitions really fast there. Like, here. ;)

You must also wonder what happens with all these subtitles I put in after the header, Sonny's blues & golden goose for instance, are multiple interpretation based taglines where Sonny's blues is for the fact that here at home, with parents, I tend to read a lot and listen to music quite a bit. Also that means I have spent my days pondering whether I need Spotify subscription and I caved in. And I created some playlists. Listen to the blues. Listen to something new.

As for the golden goose, clubhouse is housing many golden geese. You can DM me or comment here if you want in (As destiny will say it has had it, clubhouse is invite only. So says the Lord. And I behave.) Also I posted about blue pea teas! And also got to know that I probably am drinking it by the jug because it's shaped like a clit. And hence,

These tweets are more for me to humor me than it is for you. But, anyways.

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Coming back to the fact that I still need to justify the title and also I am not forgetting the promise I made when I said that I'll talk about Loan Sharks. To begin with, I am grateful that I never had to face one. I remember being penniless but never having to face a loan shark. I got people when I needed them. And I don't forget. But I am privileged like that. I had parents who saved. Never spent much. And I saw them doing acts of kindness which I was purportedly not strong enough of. Now, I feel in telling these stories….. am bringing awareness. Am educating. Am advocating. I want to make a difference however small. To help those who can't help themselves. Criminals have been using social media – from dating sites to local community groups – to find, threaten and control people in debt. Loan Sharks hound till you break.

With headlines like- Hawker still paying an unfair price despite settling loan shark debts I feel disheartened and helpless. Because many of these people don't have a choice. COVID-19 has left many to fend for themselves. A day after a couple along with their two minor children allegedly committed suicide at their Shahjahanpur home, police on Tuesday focused its investigation towards involvement of a loan shark for forcing the family towards the extreme step. Even as an independent production, Loan Shark, by first-timer Nemanja Ćeranić, which has just premiered at Belgrade International Film Festival Fest shines light on Loan Sharks, a TMKOC writer's suicide haunts me.

Our milkman married in 2016. My parents took out their security from bank and paid for his marriage. They did that because they knew- the cows who's milk we drink since last 20 years will be happy if the caretaker of them is happy. And he was going to a loan shark who was charging him 10% interest rate and no bank was going to give him money to get married. They never asked for the money back. He became our temp caretaker of mother’s garden twice when she was away and she never leaves her plants. Months later, the marriage didn't work out. The bride left. 5 years later, just few days back, the milkman bhaiya paid the money back. Without my parents ever asking him, thinking some money goes into a good deed, not be returned. So that's a story which will stay with me. Hear and read this closely. You'll find immense strength in doing things which are going to save someone from immeasurable suffering. Don't let them suffer. Think for five minutes what would have happened if not for recognition of a problem that you haven't gone through but are aware to that extent which can only be reproduced a lot less by a lot which feeds off on the suffering of others. Suffering is never ending. Healing is forever. It sometimes starts from fear, from doubt but always ends up in giving life to things which are touted as dead, helpless, relationships which are otherwise stale and obsolete.

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Until next time, XoXo

_ @belladonnaoflavender